Navigating Difficult Relationships

Some relationships are hard to be in.

I’ve had colleagues where we just can’t seem to get on the same page because we communicate in completely different ways. When I try to explain what’s happening for me if we have a difference of opinion, the conversation sometimes goes sideways and we end up arguing, which I find stressful and difficult.

Then, I’ll let a few days go by, during which time I’ll angst over how to have the clean-up conversation to make things right again. When I finally initiate that conversation, it usually goes wonky too, often devolving into an argument about the argument. This just adds to my frustration. No matter what I try, it never seems to work and I dread speaking with them for fear that we’ll once again end up in the muck.

When I make a decision or I have an opinion about something, I’ve always felt the need to explain the ‘how’ and the ‘why’ of the choice I’ve made. It’s not like I'm trying to convince the other person to come around to my point of view. Rather, it comes from the need to be heard, understood and accepted. They don’t have to agree with me, but if they understood where I was coming from (so I tell myself in my head), they’d respect my position and we’d get through the hassle faster and with less drama and upset.

That usually doesn’t work.

In truth, the more I try to explain myself, the more it usually devolves into chaos and drama and I end up wishing I’d never said anything in the first place. That’s the lesson that I want to convey in this article.

It’s not whether I should clam up or not. It’s about recognizing whether the person in front of me is willing, able, and open to listening to me in the first place. If they’ve demonstrated, time and time again, that they are not, I need to stop explaining myself and simply offer a yes or a no. If they ask why, I need to give them the basics and nothing more. If they press further, I probably need to walk away.

I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t fully learned this lesson yet—when to share and when to keep things close to the vest. Moe often than I’d like, that’s why I keep ending up in the conversational ditch with the difficult folks in my life. Until I’m ready to learn the lesson, the universe will keep sending me people and situations that will test me until I finally say, “Okay! I get it!” and make changes to my behavior.

Life is kind of cruel that way, isn’t it? (Then again, I’m kind of thick-headed, so it’s all fair!)

I’m not suggesting that you pull up the drawbridge and avoid every argument by simply answering “Yes” or “No” when you’re having a tough conversation. Instead, what I’m learning is to be aware of who’s in front of me and adjust my level of explanation accordingly. It’s messy sometimes. Trial and error play a role here. However, the more you practice, the better you’ll get at it. After a while, you’ll have the muscle memory to know how to navigate different personalities and adjust yourself accordingly.